Ego Death

I woke up in the middle of the night (around 3AM) and couldn’t fall back asleep. To relax myself & go back to sleep, I began to meditate.

As I sat zazen & following my breath, I began to notice this wave of energy flowing through me. I opened my eyes to notice I was swaying slightly from side to side following its rhythm. Closing my eyes once more, the wave vibrated left-right with an increased frequency & intensity. I observed closer that it wasn’t simply left-right but a sphere oscillating in all directions. It began to expand and with it my mind no longer stayed within the confines of my body. I felt it/myself expand beyond my home, my city, my country, and my planet.

Then, my experience no longer sat within me but expanded to human experience. I felt the joy of having a child, the sorrow of losing a parent, the peacefulness of swimming in the ocean at night, and many more. I truly experienced no separation from myself to another person or to the world. My mind and the world wrapped up as one; and as the world being wrapped up in the individual self. I wept for all the beauty I felt.

Language largely breaks down here as concepts of “my home … my planet” are no longer really mine. Suzuki Roshi might call this Big Mind but my labeling of such is Small Mind.

What continues to fascinate me was the aftermath: For about 10 days after this, I felt a “fuzziness” around my body. For example, I’d turn a corner down the stairs but part of me was shifted with inertia beyond my body. It made normal life somewhat odd as my physical movements were normal but my felt experience around my movements were expanded (almost as if I was making them). Walking past people, I was unusually sensitive to their feelings even if for the briefest of moments.

After this, I sought out a zen teacher, Simon. We met 5 times for one on one chats. Simon was less interested in my above experience and wanted to drill into the now. Ironically, it can be wonderful to have the above experience yet to not reach for it. Simon is not ordained but recommended I try out other flavors of Buddhism and talk to a zen priest. That was in the Summer of 2018.

In mid-2020, I sought out a zen priest, Mike. I had deepened my practice to daily sits and also really enjoyed Mike’s lectures over the years. We meet once a month, and it is unclear where this path may go.

One of Simon’s analogies that I like about goals and paths:

Imagine you’re rowing a boat across a lake and using the moon & stars as your guide. When you’re rowing, be completely with rowing. When you’re navigating with the moon & stars, be completely with navigating.

Right now, I’m rowing.